Obsessions
by NOT a Happy Mango
Summary: A rather special Link love story... Parody of all the mushy romance freaks(though I am a bit of one myself, it gets old quite fast). I hope you have a few laughs. No offence to any fans I upset(I mock everyone, so I can't say just Zelda or Link fans)
1. Enter our not-so-bright heroine, Antigon...

A/N: This is for my friend, Patty. She's one of the many people that are obsessed with Link. As you can tell after reading, my heart belongs to another! It's corny, but give me a break. I'm home sick w/a fever and can't talk (phone=life!), don't flame too hard! Setting: Uhm.... er... Hyrule and Termia combined? Okay? Oh chickens! I have Powerman 5000's "When World's Collide" stuck in my head! Grrrrr....  
  
Oh! And by the way... I do NOT like Zelda so this story will be much less than complimentary of her dizzying intellect (Yes, I know... I've been watching The Princess Bride waaaaaay too much.)  
  
  
  
  
  
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Intro by Antigone  
  
  
  
I remember the first time I saw him. So loyal, so handsome. It was love at first sight for me. His muscular figure... those beautiful eyes... how could anyone NOT love him? I could feel my face grow pink as he ran by me, so concentrated on his work. I could tell nothing could keep him from his work. Not rain, not snow, nor sleet, nor dark of night! No. Nothing could deter my love from his responsibilities. He truly was The Postman.  
  
I thought my heart was about to burst then, but that was before I heard him speak. An annoying, blond boy was trying to distract him. The nerve! What a cute accent he has, though! I love German men... and he is not merely a man in my eyes, but a Postal God!  
  
  
  
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Antigone was staying with her uncle, owner of the Milk Bar, for a week while her parents took a vacation. She was sweeping the sidewalk near the entrance when she heard a strange sound. It was someone running, and in a hurry. She had to slam herself into the wall of the building to avoid a collision. Enraged, she was about to scream quite a list of not so niceties at the rude stranger when she got a good look at him, bending slightly over the postal box. An angel. Her hands grew unsteady on the broom and she almost fell, but someone behind her held her up.  
  
"Are you alright, Miss?" a tall, blond boy asked. Antigone blushed, trying to regain her composure. After all, it was her first night in Clock Town and she didn't want to be written off as just another silly little girl quite yet. "Oh... yes. I'm fine, thank you." He grinned down at her. "I haven't seen you around before... I'm Link. What's your name?" Antigone was barely paying attention, trying to find where the postman had gone. She'd lost him, thanks to this idiot. "Oh, er... Antigone." His smiled widened a bit, and, taking her small pale hand in his, kissed it, ever-so- softly. "It's a pleasure, Antigone."  
  
Antigone was about to reply when an ear-shattering scream pierced the air. "LLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK K!" Link's already over-sized blue eyes grew even larger. He whispered something that sounded like "Zelda." "I'm sorry, I have to go, fair Antigone. 'Til we meet again!" he said, sounding quite disturbed, as he began to run away, faster than most Gorons can roll. Not five seconds after he disappeared, a peroxide-bottle-blond appeared, looking quite temperamental in her seventeen layers of pink. "Link! Where are you, my Link! I thought you said you were going to go get me my Bon-Bons! That was hours ago, my One-True-Love-Whom-The-Goddesses-Have-Given-To-Me-For- Enternity-Because-I-Am-The-Almighty-Princess-Zelda-Who-Has-An-Entire-Series- of-Games-named-after-me-even-though-I-don't-do-a-thing-in-them!" Her eyes began to fill with tears and she look like she was about to blow, when her eyes fell on Antigone, whose hair, may I add, is it's natural color, thank you very much!  
  
"You! You tried to steal him, didn't you!? Where is he?! Where is my LINK?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!" Zelda began to quite pathetically bang her fists into Antigone's chest. Getting slightly annoyed at the Princess, Antigone thought of the cruelest thing she could. "Oh my God, Zelda! Did you break a nail?" Zelda's eyes widened and she ran off bawling. "That's the only way to deal with her type." Antigone muttered to herself.  
  
Later that night, Antigone found herself sitting on the balcony above the bar, staring at the stars. A dreamy look on her face, she appeared quite serene and peaceful. " O Postman... Postman... where for art tho-" "Anttteeegoooonie! What is you be doin' up there?" It was her uncle's best customer, the leader of the traveling Circus. As usual, he was quite drunk (hey, it IS a bar... maybe milk: hylians as vodka: humans? I dunno). Antigone sighed. "Gorman, go to the Inn and get some sleep!" She turned to face the stars again, cleared her throat and began her soliloquy over again.  
  
"O Postman... Postman... where for ar-" "Ooooh, Whell if it ain't da Indygo-go's! Play dat funkee moosic, fish boys! Heh heh heh! Oh and girl! Heya, LuLu! I rememba when yer mama was singin' da windyfish song back in the day when - " "GORMAN! GO TO SLEEP!" Gorman had been conversing for several minutes now with one of the many Indigo-Go's posters that had been left up since the Carnival. After several attempts, Gorman eventually made his way successfully into the Stock Pot Inn. Once again, Antigone was alone and quite agitated. "O POSTMAN... POSTMAN... WHERE FOR ART THOU POSTM-" "Antigone! Dearest!" Antigone's eyes slit shut. "Why is it that you people never sleep? Can no one let me be!" With her fists clenched behind her back, she turned to find Link staring up at her with worshipping eyes. "Good Evening, Link." Link smiled up at her. "You are out quite late, Lady. Might I keep you company?" Antigone growled lowly in her throat. "Great!" Link enthusiastically climbed up the stairs to the balcony. "The stars look lovely tonight, yet their light is dimmed by your shining beauty. You're the most delicate and beautiful angel I've ever glimpsed at, more precious even than the Great Fairy (A/N: **shudder, shudder, twitch, twitch**). In all my heroic adventures," he said, taking a moment for a dramatic pose and a flash of his nauseatingly white teeth, "I have never met a woman that has been able to capture my heart, such as you...." Link's speech was quite lovely, but all in vain. For at that moment, the Postman began to run through East Clock town for his nightly training session. Antigone's brown eyes widened. "Postman!" she whispered happily. Quickly she descended the stairs and began to chase after him. "No Princess has ever been as lovely, no jewel as shining, no... Antigone? Antigone, where are you going?!" Link, who had gotten quite into his speech, whirled around, to see her run down the stairs and out of East Clock Town. Link quite clumsily began to chase after her.  
  
Meanwhile, the Postman had reached his office and locked the door for the night. Antigone sat silently on the bench next to the door. "Oh, my love... sweet, gentle man... rest here tonight and tomorrow, my love for you I shall confess!"  
  
Meanwhile at Hyrule Castle...  
  
"That wench! I knew it! I knew it! She's put a spell on MY LINK! I'll teach her a lesson!" Zelda was screaming at her magic mirror (only 99.99 rupees at the Hylian Disneyland's gift shop) which had just shown her the current events. A vein across the Princess' forehead bulged and twitched in rage. "I'll send, like, Ruto after her! Totally! While Ruto destroys her, I'll, like, hypnotize Link with my, like, really cool ocarina!" Zelda threw her head back and began to cackle like a manic.  
  
Impa poked her head in the door. "Zelda! You didn't take your tranquilizers today! Bad Princess!" Zelda sat up, her eyes wide. "Like, oh my god, Impa, those are like so totally last year. I'm over it. For sure!" Impa sighed and rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to go work for that new Army Men Game, they'll appreciate my warrior skills!" "... Kay!" Zelda smiled and waved as Impa left. After the footsteps in the hall faded, and she remembered her 'evil plan', she once again threw back her head and began to cackle uncontrollably.  
  
Will Link's charm help him to erase the Postman from Antigone's mind? Will Zelda's 'evil plan' succeed? Will the Army Men accept Impa as a new recruit? Only time can tell. 


	2. Zelda's revenge goes awry and Saria goes...

A/N: Gee... Uhm... I forgot about this. I just haven't been in the best of moods lately and it's sort of hard to do comedy when males are being arses to you and their girlfriends and your Catholic School is literally telling you that you are "morally wrong" for NOT being Christian (I'm Wiccan... don't stone... go to mothersmagic.net and LEARN about it first!)  
  
Anywho, I'm done making excuses, here is Part II. If it sucks as bad as I think it will, then, I'll prolly delete it and start over. Peace, and thanks for the reviews! To Jaina and Cheese Monster: I vill eat your heart! To everyone else, I hope you enjoy! OH! And, YES the "running dude"! ::grin:: Methinks he is German, Ja?  
  
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Link sighed and threw a small pebble at Tatl. Usually, this activity would cheer him up in an instant. But tonight? No, not tonight. Nothing could get his mind of Antigone, his one true love. With another dramatic sigh, he chucked the last of his rocks at the annoying firefly reject and started walking slowly towards North Clock Town. The Great Fairy would help him. She HAD to.  
  
Far away in the land of Hyrule, a figure clad in a pink robe descended into the Water Temple. The figure's hood was over its head and a pink energy shield guarded her from any wetness, yet her identity was revealed as soon as she stepped onto the platform entrance. "Like, EW! Oh my god, I, like, cannot believe I'm, like, visiting that, like, fish thing! Gah-ross!" With an ever-so dainty sigh, she cleared her throat and in a creepy voice called to the tuna... I mean... Zora. "Ruto... I call upon thee in the name of thy goddesses..." The Zora popped out of the water rather close to Zelda's platform, splashing her. "Calm down, Zelly," replied the fish, ignoring Zelda's panic about her favorite traveling cloak being ruined, "I'm here! And, like, I know what you want, like, Nabby told me!" Zelda rolled her eyes and pulled her hood down VERY slowly, so she wouldn't mess up her hair. "Okay, like, well, then as leader of the, like, Sages I, like, order you to, like, deal with that  
Antigone chick. `Kay?" Ruto nodded enthusiastically and smiled as Zelda left. "She thinks I'm going to get ride of Anny so she can have my Linky? I don't think so!" She declared then started off towards the nearest portal to Termia.  
  
Antigone's eyes had not shut for more than half a second since she had come to this blessed spot, near her beloved's home. "O dearest dear one! I cannot bear to not look upon thee for such a great time! I beg you, come to me!" As if he had been listening to her (which he hadn't, btw) the Postman began out on his morning route, ignoring the girl whose eyes were almost as large as the moon had been only a week before. "Postman! Wait! My love, my life! Wait for me! I must speak with you!" Antigone ran after him, and grabbed his shoulders. This was it. "I love you, sweet prince. I cannot live without you. Please, I know I am lowly and not fair upon thy eyes, but hearken to my words! You are my life! My joy! My light! You are my one true soul mate and if you deny me, then there is no telling what I will do. Please, gentle friend. Be mine." The Postman stared at her for a moment, a puzzled look upon his face. "Ich bin, Fräulein traurig, aber ich weiß nicht, was Sie sagen!1" he  
finally answered. Antigone's heart stopped for a moment. Her love had replied to her statement, but she didn't know German! Her world truly was crumbling!  
  
Ruto slowly walked through the fields of Termia. She had never seen such a place, being a fish and all. She had spotted a few rather lovely pink flowers on her journey and was now looking for them, instead of Link. A large grin spread across her face as she saw her final flower. She ran over (as fast as a FISH can run) and grabbed it. She eagerly sat down and began to make a crown out of her pretty pink flowers. **RUTO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!** Came the voice of the Princess Zelda in her mind. "I'm making a pretty crown. Aren't the flowers NIFTY? I love them so much, Zelly! I think I'll make one for you and one for Impy and one for Nabby and one for Rauy, he'll like them! Yes he will! He likes pink more than YOU do even!" She giggled and went back to making her crown. **RUTO! FIND. ANTIGONE. AND. DEAL. WITH. HER. I. NEED. MY. LINK. NOW!!!!!!!!** Ruto groaned. "Gee, Zelly, calm down. I'm goin', I'm goin'." Ruto muttered as she finished her crown and placed it on her triangular  
head. She then proceeded to skip into Clock Town humming a happy fishy song as she went.  
  
Antigone stared longingly at the Postman, who had given up on the strange little girl and was going through his morning routine. "Oh, but if I could have you as mine own..." she mused dreamily. She did not pay attention to the large fish wearing a flowery crown skipping towards her. "Oooo! There's Anny!" Ruto shrieked with glee, hiding behind a rather thin pole. "Now... how to get rid of her... oh! I've got it!" She waved her hands in a funky gesture that slightly resembled the cheap tricks done in the Jackie Chan flicks. Three blue balls of energy began to appear above her head, in the shape of the Zora's Engagement ring... rock... thing. Antigone, who was still staring at the Postman, seemed to be doomed. But it is at this very moment that our wonderful hero returns from his visit to the great fairy. His eyes grew wide at the sight of his love in danger. "Fear not, my fair lady! I will save you!" He then (very heroically, mind you) yanked his Ocarina (outta Goddess KNOWS  
where...::cough:: ) and played Saria's Song. Faster than you can say "Antidisestablishmentarianism", the little Leprechaun came running out. "HiHiHiLink! YouPlayedMySong! That'sSoAwesomeCosIThoughtThatYouForgotAboutMeOrSomethingButYouDidn'tBecauseYouPlayedMySongAndGeeGoshGollyI'veMissedYou! Where'veYouBeen, MyBestestBestBuddy, HuhHuhHuh?!" She squealed as she hugged the life out of Link. "Saria... ::gasp:: look! It's ::gasp:: Ruto!" Link managed to choke out. Saria's already way too wide eyes grew about six times their normal freakish size. "OhMyGoddess! I'mSoHungryICan'tBelieveMyLuck! ImpaToldMeThatRutoWasn'tReallyAZoraButThatShe'sMadeOfTUNA! AndILoveLoveLOVETunaOHSoMuch, Link! IDoDoDo! IT'sTheYummiestThingInTheWorld!" A crazed look came into the elf's eyes... somewhat like that of a cop when he first spies the golden land known as "Dunkin' Doughnuts." A thin line of drool began to slowly creep down her chin. A growling noise could be heard from deep within Saria's throat.  
Link uneasily took a few steps back and watched Saria slowly draw a plastic knife and fork (What, you think they let the lil; Kokiri's have REAL silverware?) as she stalked slowly towards Ruto. Ruto, who was busy chanting something in her native fish-tongue to destroy Antigone, did not see Saria until it was too late. The young Sage jumped on Ruto's back and began cackling evilly. Ruto let out an aquatic scream and started running out of town, trying to fling the mad Kokiri off of her.  
  
Link smiled to himself. He had saved his love's life! Now, she would surely notice his perfection! He began to slowly, yet suavely, strut his stuff over to Antigone. Antigone, however, had not even looked up during the whole ordeal. Link was about to open his mouth to say a witty (::snicker:: ) comment to her, when her face lit up. "I've got it! The Great Fairy will help me!" Without a second thought she ran towards North Clock town. Link stared at the spot she'd been in for about five minutes. His brow creased and his mouth closed, finally. After a moment, he finally replied. "Damn."  
  
Pieces of a once flowery and pink vase lay near the entrance of the room. Zelda could be heard wailing on her bed rather naughty words that would make Ganon blush. "I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER!!" she shrieked. "Waaaaaaaaaaah! It's not fair! Linky should be mine. I'm the star of the damn series! What do I get? Hmmph nothing! Antigone's SO wonderful. Stupid wench. I'll show her! I have Bongo Bongo flatten her! IMPA! IMPA GET IN HERE!!!!!" After a few moments Impa arrives, dressed in green and brow camouflage. "What the heck do you WANT, you spoiled little rat?" Zelda blinked, shocked, but quickly recovered. "Where's your shadow beast! I want you to send it after Antigone!" Impa rolled her eyes. She didn't have time with this. She had a date with that General Grimm, and boy was she looking forward to that. They were going to blow up a somewhat weaker nations population because they were different and therefore evil. How romantic! "Bongo Bongo is on his honeymoon with  
Volvagia, remember?" Zelda cursed. "It's not fair! YOU! YOU GO AFTER HER!" Impa muttered under her breath. "This is why the Colonel wouldn't let me bring my bazooka home." Zelda's face twisted maliciously. "WHAT was that?" "Nothing. Fine. Whatever. I get rid of the girl, and then you leave me alone and never talk to me again. Got it?" Zelda nodded, eagerly clapping her hands together and cackling like an idiot. "Goodie Goodie! Finally, Antigone shall perish."  
  
What advice did the Great Fairy give Link? What will she tell Antigone? Will Zelda ever get a grip on reality and leave Impa the f*** alone? Only Time will tell.  
  
1 Ich bin, Fräulein traurig, aber ich weiß nicht, was Sie sagen is German for "I'm sorry, Miss, but I do not know what you are saying", or so I'm told. I hope I got it right. 


End file.
